When we think of meeting a new romantic partner, we might hope for a spark—or even fireworks. Some relationships are more of a slow burn. We use fire metaphors to talk about romance all the time, but not all are so positive. Gaslighting, for example, is a serious problem. It's a sign of an unhealthy relationship and can be incredibly damaging.
Recognizing gaslighting for what it is can be tricky, especially if you're the one being gaslighted. Let's take a look at some of the most common characteristics of the behavior.
Shifting Blame
Gaslighters tend to play the blame game. Even when they are clearly at fault for something, they'll find a way to shift the blame onto the person they're gaslighting. When the topic of conversation is about how the gaslighter is treating their partner, for example, they will find a way to shift any blame onto their partner.
This shifting of blame can make the one being gaslighted question whether they're the one who is at fault for the way the abuser is treating them. It can cause psychological damage, confusion, and feelings of guilt.
Denying
In addition to accusing someone else when confronted, gaslighters are expert deniers. They often have no problem denying that they did anything wrong in the first place and will continue to make poor choices without taking responsibility for them.
When a partner refuses to own up to their mistakes, it can cause the other partner in the relationship to feel invalidated. Denying any wrongdoing in a relationship is a form of abuse and bullying that can be extremely difficult to heal from, even after the relationship has ended.
Lying
Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. Frequent gaslighting makes it impossible for these qualities to grow. People who gaslight their partners often need to lie to do so, and some may even be habitual or pathological liars. A partner who refuses to change their story even when confronted with proof of the contrary could be gaslighting. If they repeatedly deny the truth or shift blame by calling their accuser crazy, it's even more likely.
Manipulating
Instead of using affection to express how much love, appreciation, and respect is in the relationship, a gaslighter will use affectionate language as a weapon instead. When a gaslighter is confronted, they may try to dismiss the situation by telling their partner that they love them or would never treat them in a way that would hurt them.
This type of manipulation can be particularly effective because it plays on very real emotions. It can be difficult to maintain a clear perspective when hearing something you deeply want to hear.
Trivializing
Trivialization is another favorite in the gaslighter's tool kit. A gaslighter will try to minimize feelings and thoughts as a way to gain more control over their victim. The gaslighter may tell them that they're too sensitive, that they're overreacting, or that they need to calm down.
This tactic can eventually lead to the other person in the relationship not feeling comfortable expressing their true thoughts and feelings. They might start to doubt whether their feelings are valid and instead just accept whatever is happening in the relationship.
Support is Available
No one deserves to be the victim of gaslighting. If you or a loved one is struggling with gaslighting in a relationship, it's important to seek additional support. A mental health professional will be able to help you rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. They'll also be able to teach you what a healthy relationship looks like so you can choose the best path forward. Reach out today to learn why relationship therapy could be a great option for you.